Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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