he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
