I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
