Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
