Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My penis needs a shock collar
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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