He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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