so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
