Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
