he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize