so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
