I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He did a backflip because drugs
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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