I skipped work to stalk him.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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