god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
