We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
