Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i drank out of a bidet.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
