I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
