Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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