it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
