I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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