i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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