maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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