and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
