Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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