I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
