just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
