I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
