Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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