I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
