i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
