If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
