cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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