My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
