he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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