I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
