Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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