god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The adults are the big ones right?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
