Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
