I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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