Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
