I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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