I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize