He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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