I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
