i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
