you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
