he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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