youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
