Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
