She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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