I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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