I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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