Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
