Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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