Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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