The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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