If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well I just put wine in my tea
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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