I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
