my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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