shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
