I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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