Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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