awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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